taglines

Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won!
Life in a vacuum sucks
You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You're only young once; you can be immature f'ever.
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing..
Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up.

Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Conserve energy... fart in a jar
Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy..
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good either.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
There are 3 kinds of people in this world...those you want things to happen, those that make things happen, and those who just wonder what the hell happened!



Taglines

Frogs have it easy. They can eat what bugs them.
Where there's smoke, you'll find my wife cooking dinner.
Join the army! Travel the world, Meet interesting people, and kill them.
Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.
Me, Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
I was only looking at your name tag, honest.
Quick, call a witch doctor! My witch is sick.
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
Endless Love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.

Forget the Joneses. I can't keep up with the Simpsons.
Jesus saves sinners and redeems them for cash and valuable prizes.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 2.
For Sale: Taliban rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
Life is Uncertain... Eat dessert first!
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
* Elayne Boosler
Dont hate me because I'm beautiful - hate me because your boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful!
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.
You can't scare me. I drive a school bus!
Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
I've discovered that I often visit the state of confusion, and I know my way around pretty well.
Smile, everyone loves a moron.
My family puts the "fun" back in dysFUNctional.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
-- Robin Williams.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!
Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one!
My computer NEVER cras...DOH!.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster!
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
How does Avon find so many women willing to take orders?
Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.
My mind works like lightning... one brilliant flash and it's gone.
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
Sometimes you're the bug, and sometimes you're the windshield..
Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please!.
I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
Drunk!...naught me - I'm Serfectly Pober Occifer!
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
I always lie. In fact, I'm lying to you right now!
Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!
FOR SALE: 1 set of morals, never used, will sell cheap.
Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it!
Don't ask me, I'm making this up as I go!.
Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out.

Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it!
Crime, Sex, Alcohol, Drugs...Boy do I love Congress!
Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing.
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray...
My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
No amount of planning will ever replace dumb luck.
Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig enjoys it.
The trouble with life is that you're half-way through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core... I like that in a person!
I'm not crazy; I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a lunatic.
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island.
Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog--ahhhhhhhhhh.
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
Happiness is your Mother-In-Law's Picture on the Back of a Milk Carton.
This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it's dimwit resistant.
Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
The two most dangerous things in the world: A Pollock with a computer and a programmer with a screwdriver.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.
Don't play with your food, especially after you've already eaten it.
Death is life's way of telling you - you're fired.
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
Who puts those "Thin Ice" signs out there.
Where there's a will, there's an attorney.

When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
What would have happened if Kuwait's main product was broccoli?
Save Water. Take a bath with your neighbor's wife!
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes!
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Is it possible to be a closet claustrophobic?
Don't take life so seriously... It's not permanent!
An authority: someone who knows lots of things you could care less about.
A friend in need is a pest indeed!
My mother: A travel agent for guilt trips.

!Scixelsyd Etinu. [Read Backwards]
Eat american lamb...ten million coyotes can't be wrong!
Not all men are fools...some are bachelors!
No matter where you go, there you are. Huh?
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right!
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
Computer Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in!
Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector.
Penalty for bigamy: Two mothers-in-law. OUCH!
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Confusion: A hungry baby in a topless bar.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap!
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work!
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
I've gone to find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait!
If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children? He just adored the platter of little feet..
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back!
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't.
The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back!
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking!
In the immortal words of an art history major: Do ya want fries with that?
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.




Taglines



Of course I'm in shape. Isn't Round a shape?
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap.
Elevators smell different to midgets.
"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all."
"The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win you're still a rat."
--Lily Tomlin.
"F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!"
"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib."
--Woody Allen

"A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce."
--Don Quinn.
"Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.".
"The decision is maybe and that's final!"
"Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.".
"Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.".
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."
"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"
--Seinfeld.
"It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.".
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.".
The trick to flying is throwing yourself at the floor and missing.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
"We are the suckiest bunch of suckers that ever sucked!"
- Homer Simpson.
She is not old … just well marinated.
-Heinlein.
For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Mental backup in progress-Do Not Disturb!.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met..
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely..
The 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator!.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
FACT: No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program..
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due..
Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts..
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity..

Death is like God's way of saying, your table is ready..
And on the eighth day God said, "O.K. Murphy. You take over.".
Suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth -- reboot universe? (Y/N)
If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking, "Do you want fries with that?"
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.


If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Who were the beta-testers for Preparations A through G?
Boycott shampoo!!! Demand True poo!
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together."
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
You’ll never have a nervous breakdown, but you sure are a carrier!
Protect your bagels, put lox on them.
When man discovered milk came from cows, what did he THINK he was doing?
Definition of gun control: use both hands.
If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, then why do they abduct the dumbest people on earth ??
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear..
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a disjointed pinocchio..
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die!.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles..
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem..
Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?.
I am not weird, it's just that everyone else is..
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed!.
If crimefighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?.
When it comes to your health, I recommend frequent doses of that rare commodity among Americans—common sense.
When you are down and out something always turns up—and it is usually the noses of your friends.

A diplomat’s life is made up of three ingredients: protocol, Geritol and alcohol.
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
SON: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
FATHER: "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such
a man. - Lana Turner
A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is dead.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
- Abba Eban
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.


A day without sunshine is like night.
A disagreeable task is its own reward.
A donkey is a horse designed by a study team.
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A fool and his money stabilize the economy.
A free agent is anything but.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A geophysicist is not drunk as long as he can hang onto a single blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.
A stagnant science is at a standstill.

A theory is better than its explanation.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed.
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) - Stafford Beer
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.
For every problem, there is a neat, plain solution...and it is always wrong.
For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.
Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted.
Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.
Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.
Geologists do not dress for success unless they are trying to convince others that they are going on interviews.
There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.
There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.
There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is always one more bug.
There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
There is nothing so habit-forming as money.

The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for what they don't want.
The trouble with doing right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was!
The two greatest causes of system failures are sysadmins and users. If you can keep both of these groups away from your machines, the reliability increases dramatically.
The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.
The trick is to stop thinking it is 'your' money. - IRS auditor
The trouble with life is that it's a do-it-yourself kit without instructions.
There is never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.

The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
Any change looks terrible at first.
Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of the most harm.
Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any good strategy will seem ridiculous by the time it is implemented. - Dogbert, in Scott Adams' "Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies: Dogbert's Big Book of Business.
The sun goes down just when you need it the most.
The tasks and chores that get rewarded, get done first.
Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.
Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion.
Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether.
Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
Any line, however short, is still too long.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of.
Always hire a rich attorney.
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!
Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.
Am I good at delegating? You Bet! I always find someone to blame!
Ambiguity is invariant..
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.
Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator. - Claude Shouse
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening..

Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."
"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!"
"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."
"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."
"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."
"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load."
"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"
"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed sheets."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped in two when she had her."
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.
Say no, then negotiate.
Science is always simple and always profound. It is only the half-truths that are dangerous.
Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it.
Security depends not so much upon how much you have as upon how much you can do without.

The first time is for love, the next time is $200.
The floggings will continue until morale improves.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. - Eleanor Roosevelt
The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread.
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.
If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.
If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.
If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.
If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.
If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
If you understand it, it is obsolete.
If you want to be well liked, never lie about yourself, and be careful when telling the truth about others.
It works better if you plug it in.
If you want to get along, go along.
If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.
If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.
Ignorance is bliss. No wonder I'm so depressed.
Illegitimus non Carborundem: "Don't let the scum bags grind you down"
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Indifference is the only sure defense.
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
Information's pretty thin stuff, unless mixed with experience.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Is there life before coffee?.

It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
It's always the wrong time of the month.
It's better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.
It's better to retire too soon than too late.
It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent.
It's Good Enough For Government Work.
It's Not My Job!
It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee breaks.
It's out of my control.
Job placement: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't matter, calories do..
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.
May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.
May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.
May you never leave your marriage alive.