Pickup lines and rebuttals...

Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem. The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher's pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a dang about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can and

I think I can!"


There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in back, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So, her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?"

The loyal wife replied,"Listen, I'm a good Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."


A man walks past a big wooden fence in front of the insane asylum and hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" in unison.

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in.

Immediately, someone on the inside pokes him in the eye.

Before the man could even react to the eye-poking, the people on the other side of the fence begin a monotone chant of...

"Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"



Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I dated your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."


Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.