silly quotes
"Treat me like an angel and I'll be your lil' devil."
Crazy is a relative term in my family!
Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich.
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
"Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to."
Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
Boys make good pets!
Princess in training!
At least I can still smoke in my car
Caution, Blind Man Driving.
"Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make."
All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day!
"To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail."-Michael Jordan
"No BLOOD no foul."
"Life's an Ocean, Sail It"
"We are going to rip off your testicles.......and slash your tires." - Nip
Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you!
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The problem with the Gene pool is there arn't any lifeguards (hillbillies)
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The only reason I am always listening to music is to drownd out the sound of your voice!~
Drive carefully, 90% of people are accidents.
"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."
"don't drink and drive you might spill your beer"
If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough
Love is like a rose in winter, only the strong survive
Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs.
I'll be sober tomorrow but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life.
"Where there's a will, there's a way. And where there's a way, then there's usually a stop sign somewhere along the road."
I'm scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because everytime i fall in love.....it never seems to last
Silence is silver, but music is gold...
Lifes Tough, get a helmet!
loved by some, hated by many, envied by most, yet wanted by plenty!
"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."
Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Ax Me About Ebonics.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A BLONDE.
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"
"i'm not tailgating, i'm keeping up with the pace car"
Roadhead cures Roadrage...
Tell your girlfriend I said thanks
" WARNING: in case of rapture, this car will be driverless. "
normal people worry me
you say physco like it's a bad thing
those who think they know everything, annoy those of us that do
This delinquent is having sex with your honor student.
Save the environment...plant a Bush back in Texas.
"Your faith in yourself is all you will ever have. Don't let anyone take it away from you ever." ~ Holly Marie Combs
don't regret doing things, regret getting caught
None of us are virgins, life has screwed us all
"my tears for you are like dark chocolate- bitter sweet and probably no good for me."
"it takes a player to shoot a shot.. but it takes a team to win a game " - penny anae
everyone in life has a purpose, even if its to serve as a BAD EXAMPLE
Anger is one letter short of danger.
One death is one too many.
Life's not all bad. Look into somebody's eyes, you'll see that they're a person just like you, they also have good and bad feelings, hopes and dreams.
If you love somebody, they shouldn't make you cry, they should be worth crying over.
Lots of things change...lots of them don't...but the fact that I love you...that will always stay the same.
"I'm going to live life or die trying"
im sugar and spice and everything nice if u wanna mess with me u better think twice
"We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams."
"We didn’t lose.....we just ran out of time"~unknown
"Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license."
"You will be aroused by a shampoo comercial."--Homer J. Simpson
If you die, I'll kill you!"
There are some days when I just don't feel like talking.. Today is that day.
Life is not measured by the number of breathes we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.
The only reason that I talk to myself is because that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
"Find a guy that adores you and not one that you adore!!" MOM
Learn from the mistakes of others, because you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Trust your instincts and listen to your friends, because they may be right when you don't want them to be
"Birdie, birdie, in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like sugar, tastes like sap. OMG! IT'S BIRDIE CRAP!"
"Inside this body lies that of a skinny lady. But I can usually shut her up with chocolate.".
They say the truth will set you free. But then why is it that every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?.
"When you pee in a toilet, you wipe the seat; when you pee in the woods, you wipe your feet!".
Men are like pennies: two-faced and worthless.
Love is like heaven but hurts like hell.
" Look up for inspiration, down for concentration but don’t look side to side for information".
You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try. - Homer J. Simpson.
"Is tuna really Chicken?" - Jessica Simpson, after reading "Tuna, Chicken of the sea"
"I did my homework! I just forgot to write it down." –Anonymous
"Dying is just natures way of saying 'Hey! Your not alive anymore!'"
Roses are red, violets are blue, please flush the toilet, after you.
"Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle."
"When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't no how to spell anonymous" -unknown
"I'll kill you until you die!!"
"They misunderestimated me!" -George W. Bush"
"I'm not scared of dying, I just don't want to!"
"Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter."
"I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose"
"The whole world is going to hell and I'm driving the bus"
"I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose"
"Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become part of it."
"I have a mind like a steel trap; it is rusty and illegal in 47 states"
"A good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation"
"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility"!
I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight
If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!!
"There's nothing wrong with being a loser, it just depends on how good you are at it."
If at first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!
Thank-you for visiting reality, come again........... Now entering your life, welcome
The entire world's a stage; I didn't get cast!
Consciousness- that annoying time between naps
Suburbia - where they cut down trees and name streets after them
"Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind that another man looking at her ass"
I love him, O yes I do,
He's for me, not for you,
And if by chance you take my place,
I'll take my fist and smash your face!
"God made mud, God made dirt, God made guys so girls could flirt!"
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons!
For you are crunchy
And taste good with ketchup
Guys are like lava lamps there fun to look at just not so bright!
"Loves a two-way street and I think your car just died"
Guys are like lava lamps there fun to look at just not so bright!
"Loves a two-way street and I think your car just died"
Guys are like lava lamps there fun to look at just not so bright!
It takes 42 muscels to smile, so instead pick up your middle finger and
say bite me in a bitchy tone!
Every morning is the dawn of a new error
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved
Dain bramaged
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
Beware of programmers who carry screwdriver
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
A repair shop:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
A Laundromat:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHING WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
All your base are belong to us
May the smile on your face
Come straight from your heart
Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry
Maybe this world is another planet's hell
A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be somewhere else
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans
Most good judgement comes from experience.
Most experience comes from bad judgement.
You can't cheat an honest man
One slip, and down the hole we fall
It seems to take no time at all
Does the noise in my head bother you?
I know a million ways
To always pick the wrong thing to say
I must be an acrobat
To talk like this and act like that
Every rose has its thorn.
Sister Luck is screaming somebody else's name
It's no secret that a friend is someone who lets you help
It's no secret that a liar won't believe in anyone elser
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they fly by."
- Douglas Adams.
"Unus, sed leo!" [One, but a lion!]
- Aisopos (Fabulae 194).
"»Stay« is a charming word in a friend's vocabulary."
- Bronson Allcott.
"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."
- Dave Barry.
"Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours."
- M. Berle.
"Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."
- George Burns.
"An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less."
- Nicholas Murray Butler.
"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."
- W.C. Fields.
"When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think they're going?"
- Douglas Gauck.
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
- J.P. Getty.
"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
- Matt Groening.
"I'm gonna live forever, or die trying."
- Joseph Heller (Catch 22).
"Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand."
- Benny Hill.
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men."
- Kin Hubbard.
"Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law."
- Hubert Humphrey.
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
- Carl Gustav Jung.
"I dress up for weddings, funerals and fine steakhouses."
--Dan Daly .
"Clean laundry helps the confidence level, which helps the self image, which helps um, you win games, which makes you rich, which leads to greed, which leads to more money!!!, Which causes immense spending, which then triggers high anxiety, which causes a heart attack at the age of 31 and puts you in a coma for 10 years while you lose all of your money and you start at the beginning again!"
--Benjer Petersen
"If it's about computers... it can wait!"
--Rachel Halladay
"Don't spend your life as a pretty bitch... God will send you back nice and ugly!"
--Fritz
"I had gone searching for the truth, and found facts instead. I hate that."
--Anonymous
"I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died."
--Steven Wright .
"This morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it."
--unknown
"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
- Matt Groening.
"Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon."
--Sir Humphrey Appleby.
"You'll earn thousands of dollars daily by doing nothing."
--Found on a piece of paper in a Fortune Cookie .
Silly Quotes
In any sufficiently large group of people, most are idiots.
--Kaa's Law
"Some people look at jerky and say, 'Why?' I look at jerky and say, 'Mmm! Jerky!'.
In our view, everybody is a potential partner -- until they shoot at us."
- AOL CEO Steve Case.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
-- Pablo Picasso
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window
--Steve Wozniak
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
To the plumber, any liquid in the glass is potential income.
(With thanks to John Pettitt and Ed O'Connell)
It happens. Sometimes people just explode. Natural causes.
from Repo Man
What if this weren't a hypothetical question?
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne
"During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet"
--Al Gore
"Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite." "
- Dan Quayle.
Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." .
--Ronald Reagan
"My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." --President Reagan, before a scheduled radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on
"I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back."
- Abraham Lincoln.
"640k ought to be enough for anybody." .
-- Bill Gates in 1981
"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
--Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player
"Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean." .
basepall player Pedro Guerrero on reporters
"We've been working on the basics because, basically, we've been having trouble with the basics." .
Bob Ojeda, baseball pitcher
"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
Yogi Berra, baseball catcher and manager
"Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win."
-- Doug Collins, basketball commentator
"The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games."
--David Garcia
"We have only one person to blame, and that's each other."
--Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl.
Go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger!
"A person knows he has found his true love when they call that person and say: Honey, I just killed someone. And that persons response is: where do we hide the body?"
~"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
I gave up smoking, drinking, and sex...worst 15 minutes of my life.
Happiness is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
If you need space join NASA baby
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put that booger that counts -- Tre Cool of Green Day
If we can put one man on the moon, why can't we put them all there?
If the shoe fits, buy it in every color!
I am nobody... nobody is perfect... I must be perfect then..
The best thing about Alzheimer’s is : You can hide your own Easter eggs. - Gramps
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. HOWEVER...the roses are dead, the violets are wilting, the sugar bowl is empty and so is your head.
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU A LEMON, BUST OUT THE TEQUILLA AND SALT
Why can't I attract men like crazy, Instead of crazy men
"Beer, getting ugly people laid since 1700"
If you want breakfast in bed.........sleep in the kitchen
No matter what road we take we'll always end up in the same place.
"I hear voices, and they don't like you"
"Buy me another drink, because your still ugly"
"I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me there."
"It's not attention deficit disorder, I'm not just not listening to you."
Give a man a fish he'll eat for a day but teach him how and he'll sit on his
ass staring at the fishing pole trying to decide what to do
Cancel my subscription cause I don’t need your issues
As you slide down the banister of life, may your ass collect many splinters
"Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it makes you walk funny." ~ Katherine Carpenter
I wish I were a little kid again. Skinned Knees are easier to heal than broken hearts!!!
One day your prince will come, mine just took a wrong turn got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
The more I get to know boys the more I like dogs
I have a life; it's just on lay-a-way at K-Mart!
God made the sea
god made the ocean
God needed a goddess
so he made me!!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light and dark side, and it binds the universe together
Giant oaks DO grow from little acorns. But first you must have an acorn.
Silence is Golden, but shouting is fun.
When your a fat little kid, there are no more see-saws...only catapults
The World Is Full Of Asses Your Just The Biggest
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."
"If you cant dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull"
"Life is a role of toilet paper; long and useful"
The difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver is this: A bad golfer goes **WHACK** DANG! A bad skydiver goes DANG! **WHACK**"
"I love humanity. It's people I can't stand."
"Anybody here who believes in telekinesis, raise my hand."
"I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory."
All my hard work has boiled down to two things "May I take your order" and "Would you like fries with that"
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
and all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men...
ate scrambled eggs for 2 weeks
Born in heaven, raised in hell
A heart is not a plaything
A heart is not a toy
But if u want it broken
Just give it to a boy
Beauty is just a light switch away!
Auntie ‘Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, taking the dog ~Dorothy
"I am not short, I just don't have to bend down as far"
I have the body of a god... unfortunately its Buddha -Abigail Silverman-
"Time flies like an arrow, while fruit flies like a banana."
If you are going to send someone to save the world, make sure they like it
the way it is. - Xander in the movie XXX
Crazy is a relative term in my family!
Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich.
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
"Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to."
Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
Boys make good pets!
Princess in training!
At least I can still smoke in my car
Caution, Blind Man Driving.
"Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make."
All trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day!
"To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail."-Michael Jordan
"No BLOOD no foul."
"Life's an Ocean, Sail It"
"We are going to rip off your testicles.......and slash your tires." - Nip
Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you!
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The problem with the Gene pool is there arn't any lifeguards (hillbillies)
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The only reason I am always listening to music is to drownd out the sound of your voice!~
Drive carefully, 90% of people are accidents.
"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."
"don't drink and drive you might spill your beer"
If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough
Love is like a rose in winter, only the strong survive
Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs.
I'll be sober tomorrow but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life.
"Where there's a will, there's a way. And where there's a way, then there's usually a stop sign somewhere along the road."
I'm scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because everytime i fall in love.....it never seems to last
Silence is silver, but music is gold...
Lifes Tough, get a helmet!
loved by some, hated by many, envied by most, yet wanted by plenty!
"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."
Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Ax Me About Ebonics.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A BLONDE.
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"
"i'm not tailgating, i'm keeping up with the pace car"
Roadhead cures Roadrage...
Tell your girlfriend I said thanks
" WARNING: in case of rapture, this car will be driverless. "
normal people worry me
you say physco like it's a bad thing
those who think they know everything, annoy those of us that do
This delinquent is having sex with your honor student.
Save the environment...plant a Bush back in Texas.
"Your faith in yourself is all you will ever have. Don't let anyone take it away from you ever." ~ Holly Marie Combs
don't regret doing things, regret getting caught
None of us are virgins, life has screwed us all
"my tears for you are like dark chocolate- bitter sweet and probably no good for me."
"it takes a player to shoot a shot.. but it takes a team to win a game " - penny anae
everyone in life has a purpose, even if its to serve as a BAD EXAMPLE
Anger is one letter short of danger.
One death is one too many.
Life's not all bad. Look into somebody's eyes, you'll see that they're a person just like you, they also have good and bad feelings, hopes and dreams.
If you love somebody, they shouldn't make you cry, they should be worth crying over.
Lots of things change...lots of them don't...but the fact that I love you...that will always stay the same.
"I'm going to live life or die trying"
im sugar and spice and everything nice if u wanna mess with me u better think twice
"We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams."
"We didn’t lose.....we just ran out of time"~unknown
"Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license."
"You will be aroused by a shampoo comercial."--Homer J. Simpson
If you die, I'll kill you!"
There are some days when I just don't feel like talking.. Today is that day.
Life is not measured by the number of breathes we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.
The only reason that I talk to myself is because that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
"Find a guy that adores you and not one that you adore!!" MOM
Learn from the mistakes of others, because you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Trust your instincts and listen to your friends, because they may be right when you don't want them to be
"Birdie, birdie, in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like sugar, tastes like sap. OMG! IT'S BIRDIE CRAP!"
"Inside this body lies that of a skinny lady. But I can usually shut her up with chocolate.".
They say the truth will set you free. But then why is it that every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?.
"When you pee in a toilet, you wipe the seat; when you pee in the woods, you wipe your feet!".
Men are like pennies: two-faced and worthless.
Love is like heaven but hurts like hell.
" Look up for inspiration, down for concentration but don’t look side to side for information".
You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try. - Homer J. Simpson.
"Is tuna really Chicken?" - Jessica Simpson, after reading "Tuna, Chicken of the sea"
"I did my homework! I just forgot to write it down." –Anonymous
"Dying is just natures way of saying 'Hey! Your not alive anymore!'"
Roses are red, violets are blue, please flush the toilet, after you.
"Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle."
"When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't no how to spell anonymous" -unknown
"I'll kill you until you die!!"
"They misunderestimated me!" -George W. Bush"
"I'm not scared of dying, I just don't want to!"
"Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter."
"I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose"
"The whole world is going to hell and I'm driving the bus"
"I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose"
"Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become part of it."
"I have a mind like a steel trap; it is rusty and illegal in 47 states"
"A good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation"
"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility"!
I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight
If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!!
"There's nothing wrong with being a loser, it just depends on how good you are at it."
If at first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!
Thank-you for visiting reality, come again........... Now entering your life, welcome
The entire world's a stage; I didn't get cast!
Consciousness- that annoying time between naps
Suburbia - where they cut down trees and name streets after them
"Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind that another man looking at her ass"
I love him, O yes I do,
He's for me, not for you,
And if by chance you take my place,
I'll take my fist and smash your face!
"God made mud, God made dirt, God made guys so girls could flirt!"
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons!
For you are crunchy
And taste good with ketchup
Guys are like lava lamps there fun to look at just not so bright!
"Loves a two-way street and I think your car just died"
Guys are like lava lamps there fun to look at just not so bright!
"Loves a two-way street and I think your car just died"
Guys are like lava lamps there fun to look at just not so bright!
It takes 42 muscels to smile, so instead pick up your middle finger and
say bite me in a bitchy tone!
Every morning is the dawn of a new error
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved
Dain bramaged
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
Beware of programmers who carry screwdriver
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
A repair shop:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
A Laundromat:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHING WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
All your base are belong to us
May the smile on your face
Come straight from your heart
Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry
Maybe this world is another planet's hell
A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be somewhere else
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans
Most good judgement comes from experience.
Most experience comes from bad judgement.
You can't cheat an honest man
One slip, and down the hole we fall
It seems to take no time at all
Does the noise in my head bother you?
I know a million ways
To always pick the wrong thing to say
I must be an acrobat
To talk like this and act like that
Every rose has its thorn.
Sister Luck is screaming somebody else's name
It's no secret that a friend is someone who lets you help
It's no secret that a liar won't believe in anyone elser
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they fly by."
- Douglas Adams.
"Unus, sed leo!" [One, but a lion!]
- Aisopos (Fabulae 194).
"»Stay« is a charming word in a friend's vocabulary."
- Bronson Allcott.
"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."
- Dave Barry.
"Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours."
- M. Berle.
"Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."
- George Burns.
"An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less."
- Nicholas Murray Butler.
"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."
- W.C. Fields.
"When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think they're going?"
- Douglas Gauck.
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
- J.P. Getty.
"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
- Matt Groening.
"I'm gonna live forever, or die trying."
- Joseph Heller (Catch 22).
"Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand."
- Benny Hill.
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men."
- Kin Hubbard.
"Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law."
- Hubert Humphrey.
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
- Carl Gustav Jung.
"I dress up for weddings, funerals and fine steakhouses."
--Dan Daly .
"Clean laundry helps the confidence level, which helps the self image, which helps um, you win games, which makes you rich, which leads to greed, which leads to more money!!!, Which causes immense spending, which then triggers high anxiety, which causes a heart attack at the age of 31 and puts you in a coma for 10 years while you lose all of your money and you start at the beginning again!"
--Benjer Petersen
"If it's about computers... it can wait!"
--Rachel Halladay
"Don't spend your life as a pretty bitch... God will send you back nice and ugly!"
--Fritz
"I had gone searching for the truth, and found facts instead. I hate that."
--Anonymous
"I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died."
--Steven Wright .
"This morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it."
--unknown
"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
- Matt Groening.
"Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon."
--Sir Humphrey Appleby.
"You'll earn thousands of dollars daily by doing nothing."
--Found on a piece of paper in a Fortune Cookie .
Silly Quotes
In any sufficiently large group of people, most are idiots.
--Kaa's Law
"Some people look at jerky and say, 'Why?' I look at jerky and say, 'Mmm! Jerky!'.
In our view, everybody is a potential partner -- until they shoot at us."
- AOL CEO Steve Case.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
-- Pablo Picasso
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window
--Steve Wozniak
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
To the plumber, any liquid in the glass is potential income.
(With thanks to John Pettitt and Ed O'Connell)
It happens. Sometimes people just explode. Natural causes.
from Repo Man
What if this weren't a hypothetical question?
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne
"During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet"
--Al Gore
"Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite." "
- Dan Quayle.
Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." .
--Ronald Reagan
"My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." --President Reagan, before a scheduled radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on
"I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back."
- Abraham Lincoln.
"640k ought to be enough for anybody." .
-- Bill Gates in 1981
"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
--Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player
"Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean." .
basepall player Pedro Guerrero on reporters
"We've been working on the basics because, basically, we've been having trouble with the basics." .
Bob Ojeda, baseball pitcher
"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
Yogi Berra, baseball catcher and manager
"Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win."
-- Doug Collins, basketball commentator
"The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games."
--David Garcia
"We have only one person to blame, and that's each other."
--Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl.
Go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger!
"A person knows he has found his true love when they call that person and say: Honey, I just killed someone. And that persons response is: where do we hide the body?"
~"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
I gave up smoking, drinking, and sex...worst 15 minutes of my life.
Happiness is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
If you need space join NASA baby
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put that booger that counts -- Tre Cool of Green Day
If we can put one man on the moon, why can't we put them all there?
If the shoe fits, buy it in every color!
I am nobody... nobody is perfect... I must be perfect then..
The best thing about Alzheimer’s is : You can hide your own Easter eggs. - Gramps
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. HOWEVER...the roses are dead, the violets are wilting, the sugar bowl is empty and so is your head.
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU A LEMON, BUST OUT THE TEQUILLA AND SALT
Why can't I attract men like crazy, Instead of crazy men
"Beer, getting ugly people laid since 1700"
If you want breakfast in bed.........sleep in the kitchen
No matter what road we take we'll always end up in the same place.
"I hear voices, and they don't like you"
"Buy me another drink, because your still ugly"
"I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me there."
"It's not attention deficit disorder, I'm not just not listening to you."
Give a man a fish he'll eat for a day but teach him how and he'll sit on his
ass staring at the fishing pole trying to decide what to do
Cancel my subscription cause I don’t need your issues
As you slide down the banister of life, may your ass collect many splinters
"Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it makes you walk funny." ~ Katherine Carpenter
I wish I were a little kid again. Skinned Knees are easier to heal than broken hearts!!!
One day your prince will come, mine just took a wrong turn got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
The more I get to know boys the more I like dogs
I have a life; it's just on lay-a-way at K-Mart!
God made the sea
god made the ocean
God needed a goddess
so he made me!!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light and dark side, and it binds the universe together
Giant oaks DO grow from little acorns. But first you must have an acorn.
Silence is Golden, but shouting is fun.
When your a fat little kid, there are no more see-saws...only catapults
The World Is Full Of Asses Your Just The Biggest
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."
"If you cant dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull"
"Life is a role of toilet paper; long and useful"
The difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver is this: A bad golfer goes **WHACK** DANG! A bad skydiver goes DANG! **WHACK**"
"I love humanity. It's people I can't stand."
"Anybody here who believes in telekinesis, raise my hand."
"I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory."
All my hard work has boiled down to two things "May I take your order" and "Would you like fries with that"
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
and all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men...
ate scrambled eggs for 2 weeks
Born in heaven, raised in hell
A heart is not a plaything
A heart is not a toy
But if u want it broken
Just give it to a boy
Beauty is just a light switch away!
Auntie ‘Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, taking the dog ~Dorothy
"I am not short, I just don't have to bend down as far"
I have the body of a god... unfortunately its Buddha -Abigail Silverman-
"Time flies like an arrow, while fruit flies like a banana."
If you are going to send someone to save the world, make sure they like it
the way it is. - Xander in the movie XXX
wrenched out from douGH at 10:16 pm
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